


To Cry on Command

by Whis



Series: Lions Inside [2]
Category: 911 - Fandom
Genre: Dark Buck, M/M, No Beta, SEAL Buck, all the characters except buck are only mentioned, dark topic, part of Lions Inside Universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-20
Updated: 2020-02-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:55:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22821346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whis/pseuds/Whis
Summary: An installment for Lions InsideWhat happens after Buck is done with his victims?Inspired by the song On a Plain by Nirvana
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Series: Lions Inside [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1640596
Comments: 8
Kudos: 128





	To Cry on Command

**Author's Note:**

> To commemorate Kurt Cobain's birthday, I wanted to do a fic inspired by one of his songs.  
> It couldn't be a happy story  
> This is what my mind created

**_I got so high that_ **

**_I scratched 'til I bled_ **

  
  


Buck smiles. This is heaven. An artificial, toxic, poisoned heaven, but he’ll take it with a smile and open arms.

Someone groans at his feet, but he is too happy right now to do nothing about it. He knows he is safe, in his own fucked up Heaven.

He is still bleeding, and he knows he should be doing something. 

_ Please  _ the weak voice says to not avail, Buck hums and ignores it, ignores everything around him.

It has been too long he thinks. He feels free for the first time in a while. He is more him than any version of Buck he has been. 

He never named this one, the one that has too much fun mixing blood, drugs and rock and roll.

_ ‘It’s not a version, it’s a part of who you are’ dad said smiling proudly at him and Buck didn’t know if he should cry or laugh _

Buck shakes the memory with his head, buries it deep inside his brain, in the corners he rather ignore and keep locked with chains and locks

_ You need to leave _

The voice in his head sometimes sounds like his father, and Buck hates it and loves it in the same way he does when it comes to his dad, the man who made him, not only with his ADN and his words. 

He was the architect of the man who is picking up the needle and everything that could lead them to him. He’ll call his father later, ask for a cleanup, but he knows he won’t hear the end of this if he doesn’t do a good job himself.

One of the men stir, and Buck doesn’t hesitate, doesn’t think about it, he kicks the man’s head and keeps going on with the job.

**_The finest day_ **

**_That I ever had_ **

**_Was when I learned_ **

**_To cry on command_ **

  
  


He leaves the men and a bloody mess behind, and somewhere within him, he knows it should make him feel all kind of wrong, but he just feels in peace, more than he has felt in a long time. 

After the call, after starting the car and moving into another dark alley, Buck decides he can take some time to gather himself.

He decides he won’t die because of some stupid idiots who thought it would be fine to beat down a kid,  _ his kid _

They messed with the wrong people.

He lifts up his shirt and tries to focus on the wound. It’s ugly and red, still bleeding even though he tried to stop it with a dirty gauze before he decided that a fix would be a good idea. 

He can’t deny he needed it because it doesn’t hurt anymore. 

It doesn’t hurt when he digs in with his fingers, trying to check how serious it is. 

It doesn’t hurt when he burns the wound with a hot knife to cauterize it.

It doesn’t hurt when he binds it up and puts his shirt on again.

Nothing hurts even though it’s a clumsy mess that won’t hold but it will have to do.

He knows the pain will be unbearable when he gets down from his high and back to his life if that is even possible.

_ Now they’ll know you _

Buck closes his eyes, tries to keep the voices away -to keep the switch in mode off- but it’s hard when the drugs are wearing off.

There is a picture of Eddie and Christopher in the ground. He doesn’t remember when and how it got there, probably someday, a lifetime ago, when he was in love with the man in the photo and still hopeful that he loved him back and they would be a happy family

_ They’ll hate you _

He looks at the mirror and it’s surprised by what he sees there. 

His reflection is looking at him with a challenge in his eyes and a predatory smile

_ Their lost  _ it seems to say

He starts the car, now he knows where he is going

He is not done yet

**_Love myself_ **

**_Better than you_ **

**_I know it's wrong_ **

**_So what should I do?_ **


End file.
